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Professional Help (2018)

by john wesley

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1.
2.
Honestly, I do not know what to tell you Coming from a realest who is fucked up, and that day when everything fell through I don’t know most of you, so why do I feel like I failed you? How do you deal when everything you are naturally, daily impales you? Don’t dismiss it just yet, there are better lyrics coming You can smear assumptions, take an Alka-Seltzer and prepare your stomach Why do I lust to watch everything I see in this mirror punished? Been battling depression for too long to not be prepared for punches, with a pair of crutches Trust me, I don’t want to die as often as I feel like But if not for Ophelia, my mother, and Tristi I for real might I’m not to be admired, I’ve had my own hands around my neck real tight I could’ve had a couple hundred DUIs, all I ever really needed was a broken tail light When you’re me, what sleep, no day’s guilt free, want to be alone but I am so lonely Gotten to the point where I laugh at myself when I tell depression that it does not own me Don’t look any further, it’s your lack of common courtesy that you’ve dismembered me with You and I are not friends, you’re just somebody that I have memories with Did you consider yourself warned when I told you to Brace Yourself? This project is going to work wonders for my sales You can sit there with demented perception attempting to analyze my mental health Tristi, I don’t know how to care about myself This is the way I’ve been, this is the way I am Fate in my hands, never changing for bad or fabricating to the fans Carley everybody knows I need to see a therapist Am I in hell? Well, consider this my Professional Help Never-ending amount of uncertainty that I idolize An absurd amount, of absurd humor that I hide behind I don’t consider myself as a rapper, I just like to write - I never am looking for sympathy, stay to myself and, I try to be quiet Nicole, I ignored you for nearly 5 years because I had to Any current distance is out of respect for Cora, your marriage and Matthew Being different has put me in a bad mood, with an anvil, in a glass room (what do you mean) a tight fist, and some walls to put my hand through Tell Carley I’m sorry I was unable to be faithful My heart and my brain are like Cain and Abel and some days are painful Tell Ophelia that she’s my light, - my sunshine But wait to tell her she likely is the only reason why I am alive Sitting alone in the dark for hours at 223 East Pearl Only thing I could think of this bleak world, Ophelia Rose, my sweet girl And since it’s clear it doesn’t help when I do these sessions myself Beau paid for me to get professional help, so again I ask you
3.
Hot Girl 06:42
Let’s see what happens, I’m a minister on vacation Everything black and white, the parishioner is a racist Grey-area thinker, critics and entertainers Consider these lyrics here a sinister invitation How can you be both a constant listener and a hater? What do I have to lose? I’ve never been famous So fuck it, and by the way, your sister is off the payroll I started chopping limbs – I’ma finish her off in April Oh – this is tasteless? I know you’re not talking to me Everything is fine, I was talking to a tree The conversation was convoluted, is that your mom or Satan Hurts watching the cadence of personification Murder, songs, and I’m anxious with curtains drawn in the basement Thoughts kept to myself, no words can talk what I’m saying How can you not know that you’re worse off when your famous? I live in a notebook, confirmed lost in the pages So many delusions but they’re quite eccentric If a firearm’s too obvious then buy some wrenches You’ve misconstrued your views as to what violence is A winning guess to clue as you lie defenseless If you stick around it may get ridiculous Even if you ridicule us, walk up in a middle school bus Hard to rid illusions, when the string section of the marching band Says “it’s okay we’re underage come fiddle with us.” Oh hi, yeah I was hoping you drove by Saw that I was writing and stopped to read though my notes, I Don’t think you can breathe any easier when you have your throat sliced I always go by what’s most likely, I don’t know why Shit, pop stars need to get attacked by a pit-bull I can’t stand the radio, get it through your thick skull I won’t like the violence that kills you unless it’s physical You don’t like megan trainer, honey the answer is no Look, I don’t know your history I just imagine at some point you’ve dealt with head trauma or an injury I didn’t think that you were serious, I was in disbelief When you were talking about “the migos” and started listening Oh honey, mo money mo problems A hundred songs on the radio but no options You can attempt to pick my brain like some kind of locksmith The key to my heart, thanks to my mama, is common sense Don’t worry, you’ll never have it you’re out of luck I showed up to your pity party without a fuck I have plans in December to Kill Marty At my gender reveal party John Wesley, how is life, how’s your heart, how’s your mind Let’s say just fine, cause you and I don’t have enough time To dissect my grey-area thinking and I don’t trust my Body, because I still am alive is why I love dying Now listen up, my favorite hobbies are scissor runs Willful ignorance and sucking on the baby sitter’s thumb And now that your sister’s gone Happy endings only happen in fairy tales, Hopsin songs and when I’m with your mom But, I’d put a baby in Barbie’s belly After getting high off inhalants that could knock out Charlie Kelly Will you get up out that car seat Kelsey? Either that or just do me a FAVOR ‘fore you listen to Cardi B, please impale me I can rap too, Yankee Doodle Dandy, fags, poodles, candy Oodles of noodles, Bambi, hooray when I’m nude and dancing With May, Julie, Nancy from the gay school of acting Shake weights, strudel, camping, pretzel day is crucial to Stanley This song isn’t for you, it’s for me A true MC, it’s what I do just to see If you know Marshall’s lyrics and discography Hu – Re-Up . . . . . No Apologies! I’m gonna kill somebody, or something I have a taste for blood and I’m still hunting I have not enjoyed the last couple years of my life So you can continue to type but I won’t reply I wouldn’t advise that like listening to Nicki Minaj I’m not a rap genius that pretends to be god Let’s patronize every women that raps with a pat on the back No questions asked especially if that ass is fat I’m looking forward to being forty Cause 29 feels like 18 and my immaturity is boring I’ll leave a Mormon missionary hanging from a porch swing And then join, cause that means no more me Words will come to life soon as the journal is signed Hurt described in an ambience of purple and violet What is the kinship of a critic and cynicism? Entitlement is the new religion Ian Flynn, please be my friend Don’t worry about your drink there are no secret ingredients You claiming to be straight is an egregious sin I’m disrobing immediate to beat your pubic region, bitch – that’s for your disobedience
4.
When I don’t write, I don’t feel right, inside I just can’t function, when I don’t flesh out my insight My flesh cries out for mercy, hoping so badly the sin dies When I hold this pen, I feel close to God and that is all that I desire You can stay assuming, this is sacred to me I pen my episodes and you tune into your pay-per-viewing You can critique, but a response is not what the rate’s including I find all your feelings really fascinating so you can feel free to say them to me Please share, I have kind words that I have prepared You need a shoulder to cry on just give me your house address, and I will be there But be aware, if you’re having a dream and you see your spirit sitting there Your BEST shot at being assassinated will happen when you’re on the king’s chair ^ It’s not a throne, I believe every human is God’s own Why do I talk about dying so often cause while I’m alive I am not home Why do I discuss and dissect understanding and context cause it’s a locked door Do you wonder why I said I’m not trustworthy or should I have said it a lot more For better or worse, you said it with words You either never meant what you said or, your intentions were reversed Vows when you wed should never be interpreted as promises to be perfect Depression hurts, but demented perception is worse There are no medics to cure so it won’t benefit you to get to a nurse Or a doctor instead of regretting the turns that your life has taken my own medicine burns Yeah the medicine burns, ha, I bet you will learn eventually You will get what you deserve, for better or worse If you’re playing for keeps, I pray that when you awaken from dreams You realize your potential, walk out of that mental prison on the day you’re released I, am scared, to death, to be on my own, because of the way that i think I, can’t stand, the thought, of hurting my family I’d rather stay on a leash I should be chained to a sink, basically all seven says on the week I mean it, you should be taking more serious all of the things that I say when I speak Therapy? In 3 minutes I’d be psycho-analytically raping the shrink Tongue-tied? No, he’d be hung, tied to an iron lung and begging to breathe Either lay on the ground, pray to the clouds, or stay on your knees I’m trying to sing my swan song gracefully while changing the key What in the hell would I be, if your labels are strangling me ^ I’m doc, umenting my life for when I’m deceased, aka, taking a leave It’s not exactly what you think about, it’s the way that you think Can’t figure out if you’re critically thinking or just making believe “Silence” by Jarren Benton, in the back of my mind, plays on repeat I cannot hurt you anymore if I, pass away in my sleep For better or worse, you said it with words You either never meant what you said or your intentions were reversed Vows when you wed should never be interpreted as promises to be perfect Depression hurts, but demented perception is worse There are no medics to cure so it won’t benefit you to get to a nurse Or a doctor instead of regretting the turns that your life has taken my own medicine burns Yeah the medicine burns, ha, I bet you will learn eventually You will get what you deserve, for better or worse Marital vows spoken as promises of perfection Might as well be inadvertently said To function imperfectly is to be human Begs the question Is inadvertently hurting your spouse worthy or deserving of death? I never imagined leaving her I just couldn’t keep my flirting in check Nothing malicious but I assume responsibility for the downfall of our union and an early exit Worried, I kept my mouth shut and for years was nervously present Far from where earning respect is I wasn’t purposely working in temptation Sounds twisted But for my family I was earning a check Cause of my weakness it turned it into a burden instead Silver lining – fake friends turning their heads Nose in the air, cold shoulder Not returning my texts Cause as a person I couldn’t get my mind on anything without returning to sex Just to come and u-turn to distress Is it genetic, a curse, or hex? But years later, my family’s at our personal best And as for Carley and me It’s an encouraging trend For better or worse we are friends
5.
Why do you hate me? Because I blame you for this mess you’re making Separate yourself from loved ones – are you crazy? It’s the only way I can maybe live a life not worth erasing Do you miss being a baby? No, but I miss when simple things were amazing You mean before life was ruined with a plague? YEAH, before mistakes and marriage blew up in my face Well - it was bound to happen sooner or later hey, do me a favor and study human behavior ^ we’ve been this way since before we were teenagers either settle down or take it up with your creator, I know you remember that was when you first discovered me! Yeah and how you live under my skin but around me you’re always hovering I’m the realest part of you that no one sees and no one believes I know the storm is near when I can hear it thundering I would say you’re feeling sorry for yourself because of me I know what I bring to the table in terms of uninvited company Oh, you don’t say, you’re why I’m an addict for life Why I can’t treat people right and often why I’m mad I’m alive Your phone? Throw it in the trash if you like I’m trying to LEAVE any behavior that’s erratic aside You love it when I become you, while its happening wishing that I could snap this pen take half of it and stab you in the abdomen But you can’t because I’m you don’t have the strength One of these days it’s possible I grab my head and “accidentally” bash it in ^ Am I real? There is no evidence that is forensic Plus, you won’t ever just straight up tell them that you’re schizophrenic I’m trying to be functioning when you and I are separated and you know I’m too paranoid to take any medication this is how we are physiologically I don’t know why you keep getting so bent out of shape about our biology It’s less about being under a sexual spell It’s about my wellbeing and how you’ve affected my mental health Don’t forget since you were twelve, try to fix it yourself It’s like you’re blindfolded in the mirror and wishing him well I have too much pride to open up to a professional Trust me, no one cares about me less than you Or I should say you less than me, promise the feeling’s mutual This is what happens when you turn your marriage to a funeral You want to bitch about how her new life is not including you? You can't be trusted, it’s not a trick question or a Rubik’s cube Look I know I have issues, I’m not denying it But with sexual struggles it’s like different rules apply to it Why don’t you tell them what you really want to say, you’re holding back – stop it Tell them if they don’t like how you’re feeling then they could just Stop reading, move on and keep walking They don’t have to comment on your thoughts just cause the world is in their pocket Tell them you remember when they were alive And actual people, not just a pile of skin trapped inside a device So connected there’s no connection, show me a full life filter, post, scroll, like, scroll, like tell them HOW pissed off you are for where your life is tell them that FRUSTRATION is not the fucking same as becoming violent ask them how come they cannot understand your excitement dealing with depression, affecting a child, fighting with a dying wish and it’s all your fault, cause you can’t blame me I mean, it’s my fault, but I’m the version of you that is not changing I’m you when your hormones attack you cause of the ladies I’m not someone you can put on trial just cause you’re angry And I ain’t leaving without maturity or suicide And you hate me cause most of the time I’m helping you decide Between what is right and a ruined life I best you every time, and they wonder why you’re always looking for a noose to tie You got married like it was so urgent You should have waited ‘til you could be perfect You bury your low view of yourself, and I unearth it I went away when YOU first got married but you know that I’m so resurgent Why don’t you say any of this, they haven’t heard it? I know what you’re thinking and dealing with, and you haven’t scratched the surface You want to be left alone, why don’t you show and tell Because I’d rather keep it all to myself.
6.
Until Soon 03:41
Nobody feels worse than I do The last two years were like a cursed revival Professional help is just a working title It’s like I try to be a better person despite you My issues are like a versatile cycle Depression turns into verses I write through In the mirror I can see him smirking behind you There are so many things I want to murder inside you! I’m sorry to Carley I’m sorry to Aubree I’m sorry always Shit I’m sorry to Kaylee and Marley Sa------ -----ine How I feel for you can only happen in dreams Nicole you’re my soulmate I’m sure only You and I could understand what that means Haven’t performed in so long I forgot what it feels like to do live appearances When Beau moved to Maryland I guess I stopped caring then Struggles and carelessness Coupled with embarrassment Preparing to spend the rest of my life Alone while I am watching my marriage end So many regrets Wanting to be dead John, could you explain how you felt when she left? FUCK “Daddy, where’s mommy going?” No where Ophie Let’s hop in the car and head to Steve Carlton’s Halloween party, it would be nice if we showed up Great party There’s Aubree I feel like I want to be dead probly Melissa won’t talk to me Fuck it I’m out of here where are my car keys Better believe me damn it If my daughter was not in the backseat I would have swerved my Buick Lucerne Into oncoming traffic and crashed it Spent about a year as a madman Off the deep end doing hand-stands Barely feeling alive is a bad trend Nothing but empty beer cans in the trash bin Wondering should I get back with her (no let her go) What are you crazy man? (don’t let her go) Should we be apart or (together no) Then she let me know that she’s better alone (hahaha) well okay You should hear all the thoughts that I don’t say Am I walking up a hill both ways With broke legs, on a snowday? John, I don’t mean to sound like NF But you must have no brain Look at everything you have to lose you could throw away Wondering when I’ll finally get to a grown age (Buenos noches) I’m trying to sleep, tell Satan to (go away) He can wear what he wants (I’ll forever decay) Dunno hi wrote this song anyway Been away mentally essentially for a century My, well-being has run away When demons come to play, let’s get this surgery underway (undele!) Me and Ophie, don’t mess with us today Take all my frustrations, suffocate, do not resuscitate I’m just the guy that you don’t really know who annoys you but you kind of love to hate I’m just the guy who’s only into pleasing himself When I think of your mother’s face A kid who In middle school listened to kill you And at 30 I still do Ask the class of ’07 I never was real cool These lyrics, are my, guts And to you and the paper I spill to And you know I always return But for now Until soon Mugs get hit Die when I spit I be sniping jokers like I got a 30.06 This is the way I am This is the way I’ve been And I refuse to change for bad or ever fabricate to fans From this day on Things won’t be the same I aim to please And I’m pleased to aim Bang
7.
A Safe Space 04:34
They say I write too graphic All because I dress in black and take a nap at night in traffic I’m a little out of practice But when I get homophobic with it I start blowing other rappers off the atlas No beau, I won’t slow, with those jokes, homo And why I gotta dress like Kevin Smith as a hobo? Stop asking, I’ll die with hip hop and rapping Word to joey, no bitches, bury me with sweats and flip-flops in the casket Making sure the message is clear, don’t mishear Political correctness doesn’t live here and it’s about to get weird If you have no sense of humor then kiss here Can’t separate sarcasm from hatred – let the lipstick smear I assure this is a safe space, and I will go to great lengths To make sure you and I don’t end up naked at a playplace That would be crazy, I mean lame, no, gay, shit Wait, am I’m racist? Here’s your safe space It’s all for you, SJW’s A safe space! Yeah, politically correct I am literally erect thinking about our Safe space! Everybody’s this-ophobic everybody’s that-ophobic everything’s About race! Perpetually offended, especially pretentious, I love my safe space! I feel unforgiven I thought doing laundry and dishes and making sandwiches was fun for women I try to instill comfort in em But it backfires when I remodel and keep adding another kitchen What does your mom have in her mouth Tell her this is not a dentist, but she can spit it out Just kidding, that is doubtful, tell her to take a bow slow I can’t remember her name but I’m sure it is a mouthful I find Mormon prophets exotic I go into the closet, throw on Britney Spears “Toxic” Question – if I prefer remaining braless, does that still mean I can cross-dress While I think of Brigham Young, he was the hottest, so erotic I know you think that I’m a weirdo Cause I’m basically aroused watching Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro And forget those allegations I mean come on, that boy was 17 years old – Here’s your safe space It’s all for you, SJW’s A safe space! Yeah, politically correct I am literally erect thinking about our Safe space! Everybody’s this-ophobic everybody’s that-ophobic everything’s About race! Perpetually offended, especially pretentious, I love my safe space! Go faster, Embrace the whole disaster Drugs and a couple dancers to go with my double standards Rule one for your agenda’s full potential Make sure you include at least one white one black and an oriental All you need to do is disprove the remarks When I try not to be a dick, it gets hard Beau, you suck, on my neck you left a big mark as for the slow comment – he was a ritard I am all about happiness A social justice warrior so whatever’s convenient Call it slavery, abortion, and a gun You’re on my property and Not a human being so I can do with you what I want This is just so tragic, mind stuck inside of gadgets Physical being defining moral fabric Hey, I got through an entire song Without saying faggot, wait shit, now I’m racist Here’s your safe space It’s all for you, SJW’s A safe space! Yeah, politically correct I am literally erect thinking about our Safe space! Everybody’s this-ophobic everybody’s that-ophobic everything’s About race! Perpetually offended, especially pretentious, I love my safe space!
8.
They say I write too graphic All because I I’m a little out of practice But when I get with it I start off the atlas No beau, I won’t slow, with those jokes, And why I gotta dress like Kevin Smith as a hobo? Stop asking, I’ll die with hip hop and rapping Word to joey, no , bury me with sweats and flip-flops in the casket Making sure the message is clear, don’t mishear Political correctness doesn’t live here and it’s about to get If you have no sense of humor then kiss here Can’t separate sarcasm from hatred – let the lipstick smear I assure this is a safe space, and I will go to great lengths To make sure you and I don’t end up That would be , I mean, no Here’s your safe space It’s all for you, SJW’s A safe space! Yeah, politically correct I am literally erect thinking about our Safe space! Everybody’s this-ophobic everybody’s that-ophobic everything’s About race! Perpetually offended, especially pretentious, I love my safe space! I feel unforgiven I thought doing laundry and dishes and making sandwiches was fun for women I try to instill comfort in em But it backfires when I remodel and keep adding another kitchen What does your mom have in her mouth Tell her this is not a dentist, but she can spit it out Just kidding, that is doubtful, tell her to take a bow slow I can’t remember her name but I’m sure it is a mouthful I find Mormon prophets exotic I go into the closet, throw on Britney Spears “Toxic” Question – if I prefer remaining braless, does that still mean I can cross-dress While I think of Brigham Young, he was the hottest, so erotic I know you think that I’m a weirdo Cause I’m basically aroused watching Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro And forget those allegations I mean come on, that boy was 17 years old – Here’s your safe space It’s all for you, SJW’s A safe space! Yeah, politically correct I am literally erect thinking about our Safe space! Everybody’s this-ophobic everybody’s that-ophobic everything’s About race! Perpetually offended, especially pretentious, I love my safe space! Go faster, Embrace the whole disaster Drugs and a couple dancers to go with my double standards Rule one for your agenda’s full potential Make sure you include at least one white one black and an oriental All you need to do is disprove the remarks When I try not to be a dick, it gets hard Beau, you suck, on my neck you left a big mark as for the slow comment – he was a ritard I am all about happiness A social justice warrior so whatever’s convenient Call it slavery, abortion, and a gun You’re on my property and Not a human being so I can do with you what I want This is just so tragic, mind stuck inside of gadgets Physical being defining moral fabric Hey, I got through an entire song Without saying faggot, wait shit, now I’m racist Here’s your safe space It’s all for you, SJW’s A safe space! Yeah, politically correct I am literally erect thinking about our Safe space! Everybody’s this-ophobic everybody’s that-ophobic everything’s About race! Perpetually offended, especially pretentious, I love my safe space!

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released December 5, 2018

Produced by Timothy McGimpsey
whoistimothy.com

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john wesley St. Louis, Missouri

Est. 2004

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